I've been made a ghost. I have been wandering these streets as a mere shell of a human. Yes, I can totally take a majority of the blame for this, this is true.
Many of us float through days, work, relationships, interactions and daily motions like they are just part of our internal program. We don't feel these moments or give ourselves to these people. We just exist each day until, hopefully, it catches up with us and we sit back and wonder what we have been doing all these years. "where did the year go?" "how did our relationship end up like this?" "why don't I have a best friend anymore?" These are all questions we sit back and ask ourselves from time to time. But, do we get proactive and change this or just keep on keeping on?
You know, I don't think the person I consider one of my closest friends would even say that about me. And I don't have a love of my life. I don't have a job I wake up each morning and feel I belong at. When did this become OK?
I have each day been struggling with loss on several types of levels, and the growth of myself as a caring person, and the "un-ghosting" of my life. Because who at the age of 31 really wants to be alone, angry and bitter? I have realized that writing helps me be more me and allows me to connect because I for once am allowing myself to be vulnerable. Somebody may read this and think "get over it" others ... "me too". And those 'me too's are the people that help me feel more and realize vulnerability it just a part of truly living.
Another day. Another realization. Another connection with myself.