As I sit here with a glass of wine and a bag of chips just scrolling the photos Ive just uploaded from the last 3 weeks or so of life I can't help but feel overwhelmed with various mixed emotions. Part of me wants to aggressively click delete on every photo from my recent road trip. Another part of me looks at them as another silly stepping stone to get to a better place within myself. And well there of course is that other part of me that wants to pour another glass of wine and sulk thinking 'how could he do this?'.
Over and over I say to others that we should live in the now. Forget the past blah blah blah. Yet it also right now hurts knowing someone has had that control over my happiness. I have often swayed in and out of mindsets and decisions on just a whim. I think this is my constant battle with being in the now and trying to have others accept and love me for me.
This brings me back to a 'self help' workshop/meditation I attended at Wanderlust Festival. We were asked to make a list or jot down a few things that come after these words "I am worried that" ... immediately while being forced to sit in silence with my thoughts tears came to my eyes and I felt the answers to this.. I am not enough, being alone, not succeeding. But why do I think these things? Why or how am I conditioned to worry about these things? Because deep down my heart knows these aren't true statements. Who and what you surround yourself with directly effects your mindset. I have chosen to love men who don't perceive me as enough or capable of achieving goals.
So, why do we do this? Why do we in a sense fall victim to these desires to want to be with man that tells you "you won't ever find someone that loves you like me" or a man that tells you he misses you but is with another woman? These are the answers I hope to find within. and god help me, soon. There has been so much hurt and disappointing news in the last 8 months of my life that I truly need to find a way to dismantle my faults and move forward with a clear head.